


Muttonchop

by RenkonNairu



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Author regrets nothing!, Gen, Humor, Kallus's muttonchops, Pranks and Practical Jokes, diversion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-24 14:56:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2585540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RenkonNairu/pseuds/RenkonNairu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kallus couldn't exactly just out and out say, 'Somebody stole my facial hair!'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Muttonchop

The tiny comb glided through the short but thick hairs with ease, straitening them into perfection. Kallus scrutinized his reflection, making sure not a single follicle was out of place -and if one was, plucking the errant hair with extreme prejudice. While the Imperial Navy required all soldiers and officers to remain clean-shaven, the ISB was far more relaxed when it came to their officer's personal grooming preferences. And Kallus was very preferential to his facial hair. He prided himself on his thick, and healthy, and perfectly shaped muttonchops. 

Confident that he looked his best, Kallus set down the tiny comb. Packed away the tweezers. Like Kallus himself, his hair was perfect. 

…

So, it came as quite a jarring shock one morning, that is 'morning' ship's time, when Kallus woke up with bare cheeks as smooths as a new born baby's butt. 

Needless to say, the ISB commander was livid. 

Quickly, he did a mental check of everything he remembered prior to falling asleep. Usually, the final thing a person would remember before falling asleep would be climbing into his bunk and going to bed. But all Kallus could remember was a headache and the absurdly frustrating feeling of failure. That made sense. Yesterday had been another disappointing attempt at capturing the Jedi rebel and his crew. But that seemed to be the usual with this particular quarry. His plans did not yield desired results. 

But that was no explanation for his waking up without his gorgeously, lusciously thick muttonchops. 

It had to be a prank of some kind. A prank by some foolishly brave, stupidly bold, and suicidal member of the crew. That meant there was only one thing to do. 

Kallus called for the whole crew. Everyone not manning an essentially vital station that couldn't be left unattended.

Everyone from the ship's captain to the lowest stormtrooper. The main hangar was the only single space in the whole of the destroyer with enough space to actually fit the entire crew, both active and off duty shifts. Even so, it was a cramped assembly. Barely any space to spread their feet for parade rest. That was alright. Kallus kept everyone at attention. 

He walked up and down the rows of rigid officers and soldiers, wondering exactly what he was going to say.

It was clear to everyone the moment they looked at him that something was glaringly different. His face was bare and smooth. Almost reflective, as if he's waxed it to compensate for the lack of hair.

But Kallus couldn't exactly just out and out say, 'Somebody stole my sideburns!'

Then he finished with the officers, rounded a turn in the formations and started down the first row of stromtroopers. 

That was when Kallus saw him. Or rather saw them on his helmet. First row, third one in. His full, and thick, and lovingly cared for muttonchops had been glued to the outside of the troopers helmet! They were right there! Bold as you please, pasted to the sides of the mask, exactly where they naturally sat on his face.

Kallus stared the trooper down. Glaring murderous daggers at the man who dared to, not only steal his facial hair, but also had the audacity to plaster them onto his own helmet. 

"Something wrong, sir?" Asked the trooper. As if he didn't already know! Then, with a slight quiver that the helmet's vocoder couldn't quite filter out, "Do I have something on my helmet?"

Kallus didn't know what to say. The man was obviously bating him into something. He just didn't know what. It was a little hard to think with his vision going red with absolute, abject, all-consuming rage. His eyes narrowed even further. His face felt hot. From all outward appearances, he must have looked like he was about to explode. 

The trooper began to shake. Probably terrified under Kallus' intense, red-faced stare. 

Then there was a snort. The trooper wasn't shaking from fear, he was shaking with laughter! The man was laughing at him! He was being mocked by a lowly stormtrooper!

"I can't hold it in anymore!" The trooper pulled off his helmet to reveal that he wasn't a trooper at all -neither was he a he. The Mandalorian girl blinked up at him, wiping a tear of laughter from her eye. "If only you could see your face! Oh, by the way, this was a diversion. Thanks for clearing the crew out of our way."

An explosion rocked the ship at that moment and it was all downhill from there.

Who would have thought that having his facial hair stolen would be the high point of Kallus' day. 

...

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was featured in Pronker's fan fic recommendation list on LiveJournal. 
> 
> http://pronker.livejournal.com
> 
> 16th Edition. Number 2 out of 10. 
> 
> Thank you so much, Pronker.


End file.
